


Breathe Me

by TeamParkGae



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cannon compliant, Drabble, Friends With Benefits, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, bad coping techniques, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-06-24 09:17:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15627552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamParkGae/pseuds/TeamParkGae
Summary: “Why are you crying?” The leader frowned, watching the way the moon reflected of the tiny drops of salty water and slid down the pale skin.“It’s not important”





	Breathe Me

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 5am so please excuse any mistakes~

At 3am it was easy to wallow in regret in self pity. Even Kihyun, a man who tended to avoid dark thoughts like the rich avoided taxes, found himself lost in a whirlpool of emotion. His eyes danced lazily across the shadows on the ceiling, ghosting along lines painted by the half shut blinds. Letting the moon light guide his gaze to where it fell delicately across the tanned face next to his. Mouth slack with sleep, eye resting lightly closed. Heavy puffs of breath and light snores creating a soothing soundtrack to the other wise quiet night. The sheets were cool against his bare skin. A stark reminder of what they’d done. Again. It was always the same. They came together, desperately missing the warmth that only seemed to transcend their bodies when they were intimate. Soft kisses and a light sheen of sweat. The push and pull of something that didn’t have a name. Then, after that, the easy silence that drifted off to sleep leaving Kihyun to his thoughts and the subtle tick of the clock. Metronomic sounds counting away the hours of lost sleep and suffocating thoughts. It would be so easy it to say it. So easy to let the words tumble from his chapped lips. As easy as it was to hold the others hand, wrap an arm tightly across his strong shoulders, follow the pace his set and just feel. But he couldn’t. He was almost sure he never would. They’d known eachother too long, been doing this too long. It wasn’t enough to say it, it wasn’t enough to think it or feel it. He wasn’t enough and he knew that. What he felt was temporary, it would fade eventually. It had to because the older would never feel the same. It just wasn’t like that. It had never been like that. Sighing deeply Kihyun turned onto his side. Facing Hyunwoo now he could see how the pale sheet rested lightly over his torso, the moonlight brushing across his skin. Dark hair splaying a little over the pillow. A pale hand reached out and drew patterns across the smooth skin of his shoulder. Warmth tingled up through his fingertips and settled into his bones. This was as close as it would ever come. As close as he would ever get to what he really wanted. His own pillow grew a little damp and the hot tears tickled uncomfortably across the bridge of his nose. He stayed perfectly still and let them flow. There was nothing to hide. No one to see it. Hyunwoo didn’t wake up. He never did. The pain in his chest made it harder to breathe, he turned on to his back again and gasped a little at how sudden and crushing it felt. His hand mear inches from the older, almost close enough to feel the heat radiating from under the thin sheet. Almost close enough to hold his hand. He let out a quiet sob into the dark of the room and the strong body next to his shifted in response. 

“Ki?” Hyunwoo mumbled out, his voice slurred and croaky and layered with sleep. Kihyun held his breath but the tears refused to stop. “Ki, whats wrong?” The older sat up on his elbow and leaned over the smaller man slightly. Kihyun simply shook his head. The large hand was gentle and slow as it wiped away the tears, more taking their place within seconds. “Please talk to me” he whispered desperately. 

“I can’t” it was all Kihyun could say a choked sob cutting of any chance he had of saying more. Hyunwoo ran a hand through his own hair before bringing it down and softly caressing the younger’s. 

“Why are you crying?” The leader frowned, watching the way the moon reflected of the tiny drops of salty water and slid down the pale skin. 

“It’s not important” the singer refused to say the words lodged in his chest. He didn’t want to lose what he had. 

“If it’s making you cry then it’s important to me” the low voice murmured in response. Kihyun sat up quickly, ignoring the slight tug as Hyunwoo’s fingers caught the knots in his hair. 

“It’s nothing you need to worry about. I’ll be fine. Just go back to sleep” he hissed defensively, turning his back completely on the older. Hyunwoo said nothing, did nothing for a long time. Kihyun almost wondered if he had gone back to sleep but the rustle of sheets dismissed his suspicion. As did the strong arms that wrapped around his bare torso. The warm chest pressed firmly against his back, heat passing easily to the smaller body and warming him a little. Hyunwoo still said nothing, just carefully repositioned himself to press up against the younger, crowding him in not leaving a hair’s length between their bodies. He kissed softly up the left side of Kihyun neck. Pecking lightly at the pale expanse of skin, nuzzling behind his ear with his cold nose. The younger tipped his head to the right slightly, giving the older more room. An automatic response ingrained in him from years of intimacy. It was such a loving gesture but it didn’t mean anything did it? The thought alone was enough to bring on another round of tears, sobs tearing up his lungs and escaping before he had time to catch them. Hyunwoo shushed him gently and carried on kissing softly, mouthing reassurances in a desperate attempt to permeate some sort of comfort through the younger’s skin. They stayed like this for a long time. Hyunwoo wouldn’t give up until he knew Kihyun was ok and Kihyun couldn’t stop crying because he knew it was all just superficial. 

“Please talk to me” the leader whispered again between kisses. 

“No.” Kihyun choked out between quiet sobs. 

“Baby, just tell me what’s going on. How I can help?” he tried to reason. 

“Don’t call me that” the singer couldn’t hold in the almost childlike hiccup as he cried harder. 

“I’m sorry. Is it me? Am I upsetting you?” Hyunwoo asked in concern, he pulled back and the younger couldn’t help the way his hands flew up to pull the older back to him. Being this close hurt but at least he wasn’t alone. Hyunwoo leaned forward again and secured his arms tightly back around the delicate shoulders. “It is me isn’t it?” He sighed out. He seemed almost resigned to the idea. As if it wasn’t new to him. 

“I don’t know” Kihyun couldn’t lie. But he didn’t want to make things worse. He didn’t want Hyunwoo to go. Hyunwoo said nothing, hoping his silence might urge the other to continue. After a few moments it did. “It’s not like it used to be. It’s not easy anymore, it used to be so easy.” 

“What did?” Hyunwoo frowned 

“Us.” 

“I don’t understand. Nothing’s changed between us.” Hyunwoo tried to reason. 

“I know.” Was the simple response. Two words. Two words that had everything clicking into place. The leader didn’t understand before but he was starting to. 

“And it hurts that nothings changed? That we’re still what we were 2 years ago?” He questioned the younger burying his nose back into the crook of Kihyun’s neck and kissing gently again and again. 

“I don’t want to lose you. But it hurts so much.” The younger whispered, closing his eyes and basking in the sensation. 

“It hurts because you want more? Or because you want less?” 

“It hurts because I want you” the words were so easy to say but Kihyun could almost feel his whole paradigm shift as he said them. He waited with his eyes closed for the moment Hyunwoo would realise what he was saying. For the moment he would pull away and never come back. 

“Do you love me?” The words burned against his skin and made him shake. 

“Yes. Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t know what I feel for you but it hurts a lot knowing you don’t feel it too. I know that I can’t have you forever. That one day you’ll move on and find something permanent and it hurts so much.” Kihyun breathed out in to the dark room. The moon had all but disappeared behind the clouds. It left a void in its wake. 

“I don’t want you to hurt. I don’t want to hurt you.” Was all Hyunwoo replied. 

“It’s too late. I’m already hurt. We should stop.” 

“We should have stopped a long time ago. We shouldn’t have started. But we did. I wanted you then, you were so unobtainable that I couldn’t help but want you and I got you and I didn’t want to let you go. I don’t want to let you go” he gripped a little tighter to emphasise his point. “I want to be selfish. I don’t want to share you. I don’t want to have anything else when I have you” the confession felt heavy in the air, suffocating both of them a little. 

“What are you saying?” Kihyun whispered. Too scared of rejection to let himself think this could end well. 

“Honestly? I’m not sure. I just know that I sleep better next to you. I feel happier when I’m with you and the thought of not having this makes my chest ache.” Hyunwoo kissed across Kihyun’s shoulder once he’d finished. Hoping to pour all his emotion out in a way they could both understand. 

“I’m so tired of wanting things I can’t have” Kihyun whispered out so quiet it was almost lost in the hum of the air. 

“You can have me. I want you to have me.” The still shattered as the younger whipped around to face the leader. The sheet slipped to the floor and left both of them completely bare, almost metaphorical given the situation. 

“Hyunwoo, I don’t think you get what your saying, what it means to me. It’s been 2 years and in those 2 years I’ve hurt more than I thought possible. I’ve never wanted something as much as I want you. I don’t know if I love you. I think I do. But I’m serious. We should stop. I’m tired of hurting. You’ll find something permanent and-“ 

“You are permanent, Kihyun. You always have been. I don’t want to find something else. I want you. I want you to love me.” Hyunwoo cut him off, desperate for the younger to understand. 

“Will you love me?” Kihyun asked. Face to face Hyunwoo could see the tears shinning in his eyes. The fear buried deep into his irises. Sharp features hard with anger and upset. Shadows thrown over the beautifully pale skin. 

“I won’t give you a meaningless confesssion. I won’t tell you I love you just because it’s what you want to hear. I don’t know if I love you but I know that seeing you like this is the most pain I’ve felt. Knowing that I’ve hurt you makes me sick. I want to keep you safe, I want to make you laugh. I don’t want to just be close to you at night. I want to give you every single part of me until I have nothing left.” 

“I should be happy right now shouldn’t I?” 

“I don’t know, what do you feel?” 

“I’m scared, Hyunwoo. I’m scared because I’m completely lost to you. I’m scared because I never wanted to be this kind of person. I’m scared because I’m so caught up in you. I’m so completely and utterly trapped by you. It’s like I feel you when I breathe.” Hyunwoo said nothing. He slid back until he had settled himself against the pillows and opened his arms. The younger took up the invitation without a second thought, grabbing the sheet from the floor as he crawled up the bed. Settling between the strong legs he leaned in slowly. His lips brushed softly against Hyunwoo’s so chaste it was barely there. His skin tingled in response and he turned and laid back against the broad chest. It fit. It fit so well and for the first time in a long time the ache started to fade. Kihyun closed his eyes and let himself start to drift. Hyunwoo pulled the sheet up around them and kissed the soft hair under his chin. He sighed and relaxed himself, strong arms wrapping around the younger’s torso protectively. 

“I feel you when I breathe” Kihyun whispered out again as sleep began to cloud his mind. 

“So breathe me”

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve been trying to practice my writing a bit more. Let me know what you think~


End file.
